Time Lost

Thread Five

I am thinking there must be something concrete one can do about time lost.

I feel as if I am always experiencing this. The way it is justified is that
everything seems to be normal or routine. I have to go to pay bills. I have
to go to work. I have a lot of haves to do. So there is some amount of security in this. My mom insisted that I go to the doctor's today, when my body and mind resisted it entirely.

The way I felt today, upon waking up, was entirely like a piece of dead weight. I knew I couldn't get to the doctor's with the way I felt, let alone trying to prepare the items I needed to take with me.

Everything seems to hinge on this doctor visit. The visit to pick up the prescription revealed I needed to visit the doctor. Since it wasn't filled the usual way, I knew I needed to call the doctor to ask why. Then an extra trip to pick up more medicine this would have been necessary, had my friend not been able
to get it for me. I usually like to go alone, but I seem to be dependent on people to help me out if it seems like I am making more than one trip to do something.

At this point, I can handle one to two little errands for the week, but not more than one visit. The energy level I am experiencing is preventing me from being the usual "go-go" person that I used to be.

So this is stressful to me. In order to get the remainder of the prescription, I have to make two trips, and then two more trips, and possibly a trip to the pharmacist to keep them up to date. I figure I can handle the latter with a phone call, thus eliminating that need of a visit. Then I will have to visit them soon to pick up any remainder or changes to the prescription.

I am becoming stalled, because I am thinking about how to arrange all my things which I am trying to organize, thus making my carriage lighter. I fear I will not be able to lighten the load to make this trip.

I need to walk and circulate my legs. Or it is another danger to me, to stay sedentary and feel its effects.

I feel as if I have a mental form of MS, but I don't have it physically yet. My body moves, but doesn't want to at all. My mind wants to move around as before.

I hope I don't have to carry luggage or a cart when I leave, unless I am passing a grocery store and do an extra errand or on the way back. Then I may be stuck with all the groceries and have to make a stop to drop off the groceries before I get to the hospital, wait in a waiting room, and try to speed up the process to get the new prescription filled.

This is going to interfere with going to work. So I will have to give up that possibility to muster up the will power, the strength, lighten my carriage, get all the combined emergency errands out of the way, so I can live my life.

So, I wonder if doing all of these things is living my life.

Am I committing a crime by not living my life?

The need to do all this stuff is taxing to me. I feel that I should be able to arrange my life so that I am doing the things that I need to do and not always having to follow through with other errands that detract from my schedule.

I do feel that this grind only comes up when I have access to the Internet or if I am supposed to go to work.

It is like someone doesn't want me to go to work. They want me to stay at home or only do errands. They use crisis reasons or important reasons for me to come and go or stay home. I fear displeasing my employers or superiors. I feel they will devalue me somehow because of all of this running around.

I am not used to not having a work schedule as in the past.

Do you suppose I have to look like I am in a ghetto, unemployed, or otherwise a "disappeared?" That is a term used in the book, IMAGINING ARGENTINA.

My mom says I have to manage my health first, and everything else is secondary.

She must be right, but I still question why.


Bryony

I tried to be more like Bryony, do what she feels is right to do. She was forced to be introspective and try to communicate to her friend. The one she hadn't met yet...

As usual, the circumstances that always interfered, still interfere.

In my life, it may translate to other people, meddlers either on the web or circumstances that keep me doing something else until I finally have time to resolve the things that need to be accomplished.

Example:

Dodging a doctor visit today will enable me to get the house ready for a social call. I was able to start doing that. I felt as if I had gained some ground actually doing something, even though it was slight, preparing a house for a visit.
The week would be too cramped for that because of errands and trips.

The social calls are also necessary to build the gap of communication in this land.
I have to question the timely nature of those calls, because it gives me a concrete focus, but I believe that I am unable to enjoy the process of house - prepping, because outside things seem to come up all at once. I can't leave things lie and ignore the fact that there will be a visit. The house not being clean is nagging at me, even now. I know that I can't let that slide. Thank God that I don't have to do the errands, the visits, and the house cleaning today. That would be too much for a person who feels like she should be in bed.

So I feel that I should be encouraged and persevere as Bryony did. No matter what comes up, whatever circumstance or person, I can follow through or muddle through with all that needs to be accomplished on a given day.

Today, the cats are sleeping. They always know when I am busy. They are very careful and respective to my day.

How do they know so much? People are not always that careful and sensitive that way.

Sigh...